Dropped

I hit a wall again last night.

I stretched myself and went on another date.

It was good.

Kind.

Refreshing.

But I think we both knew it wasn’t quite the connection we were looking for.

And then I ask…

Why bother?

My ego wanted to be asked out on a 2nd date, just so I could have the opportunity to say no. But I never got the chance. Which in the end was probably best for both of us.

He and I frequent the same spots and I knew it could get a little tricky for me.

Not for him.

Just me.

 I’ve felt so vulnerable in my “Senior year” as I call it.

 I’ve simply wanted to be held and seen.

 Feel safe.

My relationship coach would then say, in what way can you provide that for yourself.

*Eye rolls*

Well, if I could provide that for myself coach, why then would I have this ache for a real flesh and blood man, or as one singer-songwriter  says, “My Salt of the Earth Gentleman.”…

I know, I know….

Super side-note: I also know that I don’t have to be forward, but I like to be kind – I’m in a tea shop, where a sweet woman is trying to find another outlet close by so she can plug in her laptop, and everyone else is just standing around staring as if they can’t help and be a part of the solution. They had the look of non-solution and panic in their eyes. I’m honestly super annoyed by that. *Shakes my head*

 And of course, I stepped in to help this girl find an outlet. Wouldn’t you?

 As it would be known in the relationship coaching world, I was operating more in my masculine energy.

The doer, find a solution, forward acting type of energy. (Just think of sperm…)

It’s been fascinating to me over the last 3 years, as I’ve been intently studying relationships and the dynamics between the masculine and the feminine—how amazing these God-breathed attributes are —It’s truly a beautiful thing.

I’ve shared with you before how life-changing relationship coaching has been for me and how it continues to shape me in my continued journey.

But taking some deep dives into learning about “Polarity” (“The spark that occurs between two opposing energies” – which in this case would be the masculine & the feminine - credit: Tony Robbins) over the years has been the main spark (pun intended) that’s lit a vibrant fire within me when it comes to relationships; and has now become a part of what I get to teach to a unique group of women on a monthly basis.

To hear one of the BEST podcasts on this topic from a Christian Perspective – listen to this series on “The Heart of Dating” called the “Energetics of Dating” – I know – when I say “Energy” you might already want to check out. Like it’s too “Woo-Woo” or “New Age” – But Nope. It’s science. (And in my opinion, spiritual as well…)

And if you’re a fan of science like I am – and want to have a better love life – that 4 part series is a DEFINITE listen. You will not be sorry. (& Feel free to give me your thoughts afterwards!)

But I think I’m realizing that in all my teaching and giving and praying for others, I’m back to somehow moving more in my masculine and not connecting to my feminine enough.

So when I’m out here on these dates, I’m not just expecting, but craving and almost demanding the man show up and hold me, cover me, make me feel safe – when in reality he’s not in an emotional place to do so, nor is it his obligation.

 I think when we as women get into “Demanding” that a man do this or that for us – that’s a red flag.

 It’s important to know the season that we are in and what we need.

 But demanding speaks to lack in our own story – not necessarily the lack in the person right in front of us.

 What is that we are not confronting?

And if the man is not in a space to show up -- and doesn’t love operating in a mode to provide, protect, and give attention to you – chances are, you 2 are meant for each other – at least not in this season of life.

So let it go.

You HAVE to let him go.

And that’s always a hard pill to swallow.

Staying soft is no easy work.

Especially as a woman who’s been single for so many years.

I could easily pick any random handsome guy at the next country dance hall that I frequent and just have sex.

But sleeping with someone wouldn’t really soothe the ache.

It might relieve some stress – but not the ache.

And I’ve come too far in this journey.

Plus, I know my heart.

I’d get attached.

Like REALLY attached.

What I’m still not used to is the casual walls of men.

I am a champion of men through and through, don’t get me wrong.

In my women’s community, I have a strict policy against male bashing – we can always tell the truth about a man in any given situation, but the attention, pivot and change begins by looking at our own hearts as women, as well.

It’s fascinating to me that God doesn’t ask us to forgive people once they do better – but to forgive. Period.

But I’ve had men as friends, nice guys really—start our friendship off by walking me to my car, being intentional to make me feel safe – and then – they shoot their shot, I let them. We have a date. It goes well. No ghosting involved.

But no second date.

And that’s fine. Really.

We see each other in our usual circles.

We have small talk.

All is seemingly back to “Normal.”

But then, the walking me to my car stops, and the other simple, kind human efforts stop as well.

And I then I can’t help but think…Were all the previous efforts disingenuous and fake?

Or is the current mode just simple self-preservation?

Yet somehow I feel used.

Dropped.

I don’t have that type of articulation in the moment though.

I just drive off in my car in the middle of the night, try and look up at the stars and cry my little heart out.

It picks and digs at that often healed and reopened wound of mine called, “Self-worth” –

I wasn’t truly “Worth It” to you in the end.

But again, my articulation isn’t the best in the moment.

And I realize that I actually feel lost and that scares me more than anything.

I’m just ready to give up.

On love.

On “Like”

On chemistry.

On dreams.

On the one.

On relationships.

On pretty much everything.

I spiral for a bit.

I run away for a bit.

I wait to be found.

(To note: After having a real heart to heart conversation with a good friend, I realized part of this overall feeling of “Lostness”, is stemming from my career shift, my lack of feeling understood and safe in my new work environment …and being around folks that are more scared and sad than they are adventurous and crazy joyful. For those that are in similar work/life environments, you have my condolences and my heartfelt compassion – me being a creative freelancer for almost 20 years had no idea how hard it was for ya’ll 9 to fivers. You have my utmost respect!)

I wish I was nicer to myself.

I wish we were kinder to one another.

It’s the very thing that I’m always telling my tribe: “You are worthy. You are worthy of good love now, right now.”

But to be honest, my very message is also my wound.

And I find myself, like you, in situations that LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to test my own worth.

But are you who God really says you are…??

Are you smart enough? (Even after having a master’s degree…)

Can you actually do the job at work? (Even after facing the pressure (with supernatural peace & joy) of having multiple world-renowned celebrities to take care of before a huge performance and tv show…)

Are you actually pretty enough? (Even after attracting some of the most handsome and intelligent men I’ve ever met…)

But once the Lord whispered to me – like a parent to a child, “Let me kiss your wounds and make them fruitful.”

There will be wounds.

I know. Hearing that stings.

But there’s no getting away from that.

Yet, how quickly we start the healing process from those wounds, begins with our own personal move towards surrender.

More walls beget more walls beget more walls.

But surrender does the opposite of what you think it would: It gives space for healing and resurrection power. And then, and only then can a true shift in your narrative begin. A breaking of the tired cycles.

Surrender is not about “Giving up” in this instance, but rather, it’s a…STOP PUSHING SO HARD AND RUNNING IN A DIRECTION THAT YOU KNOW IS NOT GIVING LIFE OR HEALTHY FOR YOU.

Can you trust God enough to pause?

So as my worth is being put on the trash bin fire pit in this season….I know, somehow, that the result will still be GOLD.

I trust the Potter. Not necessarily the Fire. But the Potter.

I always find it interesting that so many of us relationship coaches are single. Not all of us ;)   But many are –

BUT the good ones (whether single or not) are still choosing to put themselves out there – to stay vulnerable…”To trust love just one more time…”

It’s not lost on me, that I lead a community for single women that love Jesus and want to truly and FINALLY step into an epic love story with a man, full of romance, and all the while….Yes, I’m still single.

I don’t hide this.

And yet, somehow, my girls in this community are meeting quality men (some for the first time ever) and have even entered into incredible relationships.

I love seeing when my girls get to date in healthy ways and experience healing relationships – when the man shows them an aspect of kindness that they never thought a man knew how to do — or she simply learns how to receive well -- which for me is always such a joy to watch.

I mean, it’s a completely a beautiful and miraculous work of God when two people connect on a real deep and meaningful level.

And these gorgeous women show up, take responsibility where they can, and learn to surrender like never before. Not just with men, but also as the journey with God.

From the beginning, I knew my path to love would be different.

I’m still on the path.

It’s just different.

But I’ve been peeling back the layers of my heart and asking the hard questions.

What do I really want? And why…?

I feel vulnerable and a bit tender – which makes it very interesting when I happen to be on a date in this season.

But I do choose to do the work with my own heart first, beforehand…

Plus, I don’t want to fully unload on my sweet unsuspecting first date fella.

We can save that for date #3 – Ha! I kid….Maybe…

It’s worth being said, that some women only know how to operate in what I like to call the “Sob-Story Princess” – which can be very attractive to certain men. Because it can give the man space in many instances to play the hero.

But then a woman in such a role of constant distress, can get stuck and become afraid of stepping into her fully alive joyful, beautiful self, because moving towards joy feels as though she might be abandoning a part of herself (and perhaps the attention of certain men), when in actuality, she is becoming healthier.

It doesn’t need to be trauma that bonds you to a person, but rather, the story of you as a whole (Your dreams, wildness, calmness, uniqueness, ordinary-ness, and all) will always be enough for the right person and cultivates a healthier relationship in the end.

But you do have space to feel. I don’t want to paint this picture of us having to be emotional robots, with no sad stories or sad seasons ever.

It’s important to feel - in fact, we know that “The Body Keeps the Score” when it comes to trauma. So whether you think you are moving past that last heartache or disappointment unscathed, your body might have another story to tell…

But God made our bodies and minds in such a way that healing is what the body wants to move towards - it’s quite fascinating. So when we get stuck in our own loop of unhealed trauma, we may be falling pray to our own deception, false narratives, or subversively manipulating people with our emotions, actions and the overall energy we bring to a space.

So yes, feel.

But also dream.

P.S. If you are in a season where you have NO dreams. Stop dating asap. And figure out what the heck it is that you want out of life. What is God calling your towards. Name that thing. Maybe it’s shifted from what you thought it would be 3 years ago or even last year. But NAME that thing. Hold that thing in your heart.

Sit with that thing.

Tell a friend.

AND then let it be integrated into your day-to-day, your speech.

Let it flavor the rest of your life.

And then after that – hone in on what you want in a lover-friend-spouse – be clear on some of the fundamentals for your heart and then date.

Simply practice meeting people. Look them in the eyes. Ask good questions. Hear their story.

And stay grateful.

(To note, if you’ve had a bad break up – give yourself some time to heal and re-dream…)

I’m jusssst starting to remember what it is I truly want when it comes to my man.

And I think it boils down to consistency.

I love it.

Consistency is like Kryptonite to me. If you say you’re going to do something and you do it… Not just the first time when you’re trying to be suave and flirty….but over and over again, because that’s simply who you are — I’m basically going to turn into a swooning shy schoolgirl with you.

Because consistency is where the gold is for me.

Chemistry can build.

Charisma can be fleeting.

Attraction can happen on so many different levels.

But if he has consistency. WATCH OUT.

So how do I get healthy love and affection in this space of dating and not-dating??

How do I not demand from a man and not belittle, degrade or punish myself as I process my own desires and needs?

This is going to sound like a crazy-too-simplistic answer, but for me:

I need to travel.

I need to rest.

And mostly slow down.

But the humdinger is:

I need to put myself in situations and with people that know the real me and love me and affirm me.

We tend to run from those people at times.

But allow yourself to be loved.

A girl reached out to me on social media after I posted something about why most people dislike dating – the overall sense: Because it can feel stupid and superficial.

And she responded with “I’ve come to think that a man for me doesn’t exist…”

And without me even thinking about it. I responded to her message with:

“They exist – but they often intimidate us and then we run…"

I know.

My own response shook me.

Because how many times have I actually run?

More times than I’d like to admit.

And right now, are you running?

It might not be “Everyone else” or “All guys” or “Most girls” – it might just be YOU.

And if that’s the case, that’s a beautiful thing.

Because it’s in your power to shift, change, and move towards a different direction.

Honestly, I’m still not satisfied with how my “Senior year” of dating is going.

But what I’m not willing to do is to check out completely.

Things do need to shift with me.

In fact, a big change is coming.

My man is still moving towards me – somehow, someway.

And as I stepped into this tea shop to write this blog post, I looked to my right, and in the free book area, (Or at least I think it was free -Ha!) someone had left one book – Just 1 book -- and it happened to be the “Princess Bride”. (by William Goldman)

And for my coaches and journals out there that truly know me – know the real me, they know how significant this story is in my journey.

“A Tale of True Love & High Adventure”

That’s basically how I want to always live my life.

With love and adventure.

So to find this book just waiting for me – felt like a sweet, sweet sign from God.

The sign I so desperately needed when I was just about ready to run and give up on everything.

And so my prayer for you this week, is that you would get the sign, the verse, or that hug you need today.

Because God knows exactly what you need at this stage of the journey.

And He’s still a good, good Father.

And because the story He has for you, will always conclude with you being held firmly and securely by His strong, strong love.

Yes. It’s true.

The adventure will continue.

And so will Love.

Love Always,

Patrice

Wisdom’s Knocking:

 Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?

Buttercup: Well ... you were dead.

Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

Buttercup: I will never doubt again.

Westley: There will never be a need.

~ “The Princess Bride”