“I QUIT.”
Those were the words I whispered over and over again yesterday.
2023 has not yet delivered the hope, joy and expectancy I had wanted it to.
And yes, I know – It’s been way too long since I’ve spent some time with you here in this space.
Honestly, I think I’ve been avoiding the vulnerability and transparency that we’ve cultivated her over the years..
This is where I let you see me. Really see me.
Not just the clips and bits you might catch of me on one of my dancing videos or live Instagram prayer times.
Not just the social media highlights of me running backstage on shows like the Grammys.
But this is my real realness.
Stripped of all my accolades and accomplishments – I’m just a girl sitting in front of a computer sharing her heart – hoping to find connection and understanding.
Many of you have spent some significant time with me here in this space – some of you are just discovering who I am and what I’ve been writing about for 15+ years - nevertheless, I invite you in.
I’ve been wrestling quite a bit and on the verge of throwing things…
They say ‘Safety’ is the foundation of all positive emotions.
Meaning, if you feel safe, you can feel free to express joy, happiness, delight, etc.
I’ve been wrestling with this idea the last few days:
Is it still safe for me to dream?
To dream big with God.
Do we know when God is truly breathing on something and moving the dial forward in our lives?
How is that confirmed?
I felt bamboozled last year when I had a pretty, significant dream of a man, who in the dream, seemed to appear out of nowhere, but full of smiles and felt like mine.
Have you ever had a dream or a sense like that?
Prior to me having that dream that night, I had whispered to the Lord – “I miss my man” – whoever he may be…I just needed to feel held that night.
And bammm.
Just like that, a glorious dream appeared.
Let me first preface with – I too am subject to “Pizza dreams” -- dreams that might simply be caused by the pressures of the day or the late night snack I had…but in rare specific cases, I’ve dreamed of people and places that I’ve never met or been too, only to actually meet those people & places in real life – sometimes this happens immediately after the dream….sometimes a little while after.
So when I say that I had a dream that stood out to me – just know it had weight of a certain track record with me.
Later that week – a beautiful stranger appears in my life (Of course we meet at a country spot…) – he even mirrored some of the gestures that this man did in my dream.
I was in shock.
But I held all this information close to my chest.
I didn’t say a word to him about it.
After that night, we went our separate ways.
I was bummed he didn’t ask for my number, but chalked it up to a one-time experience - and that his ‘job’ was pretty much done in that moment.
We had good conversation. Enjoyed each other’s company. And that was the end of that chapter.
But something in me expected to see this guy again.
And of course, I did the thirsty girl stance thangs: Everywhere I went, I expected to see this guy – I even went to places that I thought he might show up – but nope, our paths never crossed again in 2022.
Mind you, I’ve been sharing with you on previous blog posts, about how I’ve been on a weird relationship probation period – where I felt that I wouldn’t really meet my man until 2023.
So while I was on the look out for “Mr. Dream Man” – I was torn – because in the back of my mind, I was like, “So maybe that guy was just a warm up?” Just to show me that I could have an easy connection with someone who felt kind, attractive and normal to me?
But why did he have to come with such a pronounced dream?
I had met plenty of other attractive, nice guys before and after him – but for some reason, this joker stood out from the rest…
So after my brief encounter with “Mr. Dream Man”, I spent some more time in prayer, just asking God to bring some clarity for my heart.
A few weeks later, I had another dream of this guy. He was driving a car, I was in the passenger seat and someone who seemed to be a mutual friend of ours, was sitting in the middle backseat.
In the dream it was nighttime, he was driving me to his home, and the friend in the back seat says out loud, “I think you two like each other…”
And he replies (almost as if I’m not in the car) “I think you’re right…I don’t normally teach someone to dance…”
I just look out of the passenger window in shock and in smiles. And then the dream ends.
I woke up from a dead sleep and jotted down that dream – but still didn’t know what I was really supposed to do with it.
I had no contact info for this guy and we didn’t live in the same city.
And when I shared this dream with prayerful friends, no one really had any final insights or answers. It was more or less implied – “Just keep living…”
So I just marinated on it.
But as I did – it built in me this crazy expectancy for a wild romance climax of sorts with this mystery guy.
But I did do my best to lay down the narratives of fantasy – and when I say I did my best…I want you to truly know that I did my fantastic terrible worst at it.
Yes, I did meet other guys – yes, I went on a date later in the year – but it all felt lackluster.
My heart still felt unresolved.
I ended up having another crazy dream in the summer of 2022 of a different guy who I felt like I had a ‘Season’ with – but it didn’t have the same type of gravitas as the previous dream.
But at that point, I had traveled a bit, met some new guys who intrigued me and had developed a crush on a co-worker that pretty much lasted me until the end of 2022.
I was not thinking of Mr. Dream Man at all at that point..
And towards the end of 2022, no man was really thinking of me. At least not vocally. And I was okay with that.
I chose to take time away from dating altogether and simply focus on my next life chapter and what I wanted to dream up. I spent most of November and December weeping and coming back home to my child-like heart.
It felt refreshing.
My heart needed rest and I got it.
But I knew come 2023, ‘Everything would be different’.
I was going to hire a new dating & relationship coach, because the church at large has done a really weird job of helping grown folks date in a healthy, productive way. We’re getting better at it slowlyyyyy – but dang ya’ll.
We have a generation of folks that were told to avoid intimacy and sex at all costs, BUT to also only engage with the opposite sex by pursuing marriage solely. I’m not that great at math, but something doesn’t fully add up.
It seems like some steps might have been skipped….
That’s why in the next 5 -7 years, I’m pretty sure your church is going to have a dating/relationship pastor/director on staff – because the dynamics between men and women are not to be feared, but rather understood, nurtured, and taught well.
So I knew that once I got to 2023, hired my new dating coach, stepped into my certification class for body-oriented coaching (we’ll talk about this on a later blog), got passed doing the Grammys, and got back to planning retreats for single women & creatives, my man would be ready to swoop me up.
Later in 2022, I realized the reason I was attracting so many incredibly attractive men who were emotionally unavailable for real relationship and commitment – was because I wasn’t really emotionally available and ready to be fully seen and known.
I was attracting men, who loved to comment on my dancing and how beautiful I looked, but couldn’t go deep, past surface conversation.
And I was the SAME WAY.
I was objectifying men.
I was seeing how I could simply use them for my own personal relationship goal, rather than engaging with them fully as unique men – as a human with a real heart, real thoughts, real dreams, real goals –
Not just a trophy that I could put on the shelf of my own ego:
“See, I can catch a hot man, and get married.”
“Look at my hot man & kingdom marriage.”
When did I get so petty?
It’s so interesting to me the ways in which God reveals our own heart to ourselves.
I’m currently reading the book of Jeremiah.
*slow clap*
This book felt dry as the Sahara to me when I first got into it.
Yesss, there is a whole lot that happens before the 29th chapter and the 11th verse. Otherwise known as one of the “O.T. Hits”.
But then I got to chapter 9 last week.
And something arrested my heart.
The God of the universe was giving us direct insight into His mind & His heart.
He’d rather have your heart than your empty actions.
Don’t just go to church and warm a seat with your bum and not actually have a heart that says, God, I’m yours. Wholly, completely. No matter what.
Like I would tell my youth group kids, just because you stand in a garage, doesn’t make you a car---and just because you go to church doesn’t mean you actually know and love God.
There’s a real shift – that only God knows when it’s truly legit inside of you.
We can fool everyone else – and sometimes even ourselves.
But God knows when He has your heart and your real life.
And so God showed me my heart towards men in this season.
I had been doing so much incredible, thoughtful work with women and for women, that men became an objectified end goal.
And no one wants to be objectified – and according to Jeremiah 9:24, not even God.
He longs to be known, understood, and loved. Rather than given empty religious actions to achieve some sort of goal.
And we are created in His image.
And the men in my life, like me, want to be richly known, understood, and loved.
And that takes initiative AND PRACTICE.
And this is why I think dating can be so illuminating and healthy.
Whether it was stated or not in 2022, the men around me could low-key sense my thirst and objectification. Which was attracting certain men romantically and repelling others.
And depending on which environment I was in, my thirst would rise or decrease.
So I knew I wanted to stop this cycle intensely in 2023.
And now it comes back to…
Safety.
Safety is one of the foundations that I teach and help to develop in the single women that I work with.
But I too need a constant refresher course on this.
Where we have a felt sense of safety, there is also a deep sense of peace.
But I realized, that in the space of dating, something felt unsafe to me about men.
There’s a certain narrative I’ve believed about men, specifically men who I find attractive, that they are not 100% safe.
And yes, I’m going to delve into this more with my own personal coaching team as well.
But what I do know, is that I love men who are not afraid of me. Who truly want to engage me with questions. Because they help me to remember that I don’t need to be afraid of myself and my wildness -- They help me to settle into an atmosphere of safety and peace.
But now, I realize, I need to invite men into this space. Into my space.
Most gentlemen won’t rush into the space of my wilderness without being invited.
And now I realize that’s quite healthy on their part.
Because previously, I simply wanted to be ‘Rescued.’
That was also my poor definition of being “Feminine” -- Downplaying myself, and seeking to be rescued.
But God keeps reminding me…”Hey baby girl, I already rescued you…”
But what I get to be led into with my man, is a beautiful partnership.
I need him. And he needs me.
We both go further together, than if we were apart.
Being helped, protected, & provided for is not the same as my limp definition of being “Rescued”.
I still have to show up to do my own work.
My own work on my life, job, ministry, heart, etc.
And yet, there’s something that a man and the masculine brings to my life that a woman simply does not.
And I realize that there are men in my life who see all of me in my God-loving wildness and want to step closer, to protect it, build with it, and provide for it.
Some of those men are a part of my support & dream team tribe – where they also get to help vet the men who are trying to pursue me romantically.
And then there are those men who want to step closer to me and feel compelled to protect, build, and provide for me in a romantic way, and I am willing to make space, depending on their character as a man.
Update: I saw Mr. Dream Man at the top of 2023. After almost a year! He looked different to me. Hardened a bit. Like he had been through and seen some things. Our connection was different – I asked how we could stay in contact – and we exchanged numbers. But it all felt a bit forced. I texted him a couple times – his responses were short. And then…no responses. Our last exchange left me feeling angry, played, and confused. Slowly stepping out of this funk. But somehow feeling the story is not fully over. If anything, I do pray he has a crazy experience with God that radically blesses his life. He doesn’t need to end up with me to be blessed, but I would love to see some crazy redemption from this saga…
What I learned at the end of my 2022 and what I’m repeating to myself all throughout my 2023, is that I don’t need to be abrasive or “Prove” myself in any environment.
Even with what happened with “Mr. Dream Man” & the other guys I met in 2022 (Who ghosted me or said offensive things to me) -- my heart still remains open to real love.
I can be gentle and strong.
Speaking of gentle…
And a little bit tender…
I’m feeling all the feels right now.
And let’s just say, the top of this year has been full of grandiose disappointment.
So much so that I wanted to close down all my coaching work, shut down my own BCM program for single Christian women and just bury my head in my bed until whenever…
I personally vacillate between feeling like a big fat, laughing-stock billboard of singleness humiliation and a possible living martyr for all Christian single girls over 30+
And with the recent news of one of my girls possibly getting catfished – I felt as though what I was teaching and providing was dumb – faulty and at worse…perhaps truly UNHELPFUL.
So I reached out to my key intercessor & prayer partner for BCM, a friend of mine who I’ve invited in to pray over and investigate the work that I do with my single women. I texted her in a tizzy and simply said, I’m at a roadblock. I’m stuck. I’m ready to Quit.
But in true mature fashion…she responded with such grace and kindness, she affirmed that she heard me, but also put something on the table. “Let’s wait a few days and see what He says…”
Ugh.
YUCK.
Waiting sounds like “Go F Yourself” to me at this point.
Haven’t we waited enough??
Why isn’t there ‘Breakthrough’? Or at least newness of some sort in this area?
As I write to you, I still don’t know if I responded to her text – I just let it sit there in the texting atmosphere..
Shaking my fist at God.
Stewing in the lack of physical affection and sexual frustration.
Mind you, yes, my beautiful cycle is also on the way – AND also…another important date hit yesterday.
It’s so CRAZY to me how our body’s know things before our brain does.
Meaning, I went one year, busy as can be, forgetting the anniversary of when my dad died. And on a ‘random’ Saturday, I went out driving and just ugly cried my eyes out to worship music for a few hours.
Even in the midst of it all, I was like…what is going on with me?
I’m not on my period. Why this intense dramatic response all of a sudden??
But when I got home, I was reminded that it was the exact date that my dad died.
I had honestly forgotten (in my mind) but my body didn’t…
And much like that day, yesterday was rough.
It was my dad’s birthday.
This date I remember all too well.
My mom’s birthday is in January, my dad’s was in February, and mine is in March.
That was just our family thing.
So anytime I start to get close to the end of January and the beginning of February, I tense up slightly.
This year, I had the distraction of the Grammys – and so I thought…”Yeah, I’m great. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m tired. But I’m fine.”
But then the day came.
RUH ROH.
NOT FINE.
I was stewing with anger and disappointment.
I didn’t want to feel my grief.
I didn’t want to feel let down by God.
I didn’t want to feel my desire to be in a healthy committed relationship with a man.
I didn’t want to feel.
I was frustrated with so much and it was all coming to the surface.
I wanted to quit caring so much.
Plus, I was irritated with how I perpetuated a toxic work ethic of 16+ hour days for myself and my team in the last week.
So mix grief with exhaustion and you get this blog post…
But mostly, I genuinely and intensely missed my dad for that long 24-hour period.
I was aching.
But I wasn’t reaching out to let my ache be known.
Everyone was still commenting on my country line dancing and backstage Grammys videos.
Not just online, but in person.
But I wasn’t using my voice.
People genuinely asked me that night in person, how I was doing.
And I lied.
I said I was fine. “I’m good.”
Like we so often do…
I just didn’t want to unload all of what I’m unloading now and just start ugly crying out in the streets (of which I feel like I do A LOT BTW…*eye rolls*) – plus, I don’t know if I had all this language for it at that point.
And lastly, I was also tired of people telling me their prescriptive love stories – as if what happened to them was destined or doomed to happen for me.
I’d like to believe that God is a tad bit more creative than that--than to rinse and repeat another’s love story for someone else.
But I do know that there are certain beautiful principles in place when it comes to love.
But the way in which they get to be expressed in our individual love stories are glorioulsy nuanced. And it’s important to extend grace to our respective love journeys.
But I’m beginning to learn again that my voice is safe with you.
That many of you love holding space for me.
And I absolutely love holding space for you. It’s one of my great callings:
To create safe spaces, where love can truly thrive.
So today, I’m not fully quitting.
At least I don’t think so.
But I am pausing.
I’m reflecting.
I’m remembering.
And perhaps hoping a bit.
Something does need to change.
And I think it might need to be me.
I realized that there is only so much you can learn about a person by watching them.
Meaning, your parents, can observe you and see your quirks for your entire life, and still not know the true inner workings of who you are, unless you give voice to yourself and allow yourself to be known.
Even the most caring, well-intentioned people may not fully see you.
And that’s okay.
You still have a voice.
And it deserves to be heard. And can be heard.
So please use it.
And yes, maybe everyone’s voice won’t be on your same frequency, but you’ll know who is on your frequency-- once you speak…
I also think its vital to our beings, that God says in scripture that, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the Heart.”
God doesn’t objectify us either.
He doesn’t just use us to His own end, but He is invested in you and with the totality of who you are and how you were made to belong with Him and others.
So when I say, I think it’s me that needs to change…I’m not speaking of my outward personality necessarily, but rather my inward growth: Believing even more deeply who God says I am, and the truth that His love affirms me in all seasons of my life.
And with that growth and change, I want to move and show up in the world with and in the safety that God’s presence provides and in the texture of how He celebrates me. He knows us. Like really know us. And He knows the poetry that our lives can make.
When you are in a safe space where you are fully celebrated and not simply tolerated, it feels as though you’ve gotten your true voice back – vibrant expression and freedom.
There’s still risk and vulnerability to be had and to navigate through, but safety and celebration are always waiting for you on the other side in God’s presence.
Even if you’re like me, and drag yourself to the other side kicking, screaming, and using… Ehem…colorful language…God’s presence is still waiting for you on the other side of your circus.
I’m starting to remember the part that our own unique voices play.
It’s essential in the journey of being known by others.
Not just in the macro.
But in the Micro. Of everyday friendships and relationships.
I’m great at asking questions and evoking stories out of you.
But when it comes to my voice, all that I want to say takes time.
It’s like honey ...actually more like molasses.
(That’s why it’s taking me more than 5 hours to write this post.)
And I always assume you don’t have time.
Because I don’t always have time.
And I like slow, long 3-hour catchups.
But I’ll quit assuming.
I’ll let go of control.
And I’ll simply invite you in.
It’s up to you if you want to stay.
And if you don’t want to stay, it’s okay.
I’m learning to let that go.
I’ve not mastered the art of letting go.
But I’m ready to grow.
And I think that Love is ready to get us there – even when we fiercely yell that we are ready to quit…
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“Few things are more comforting to the soul than the voice of someone who loves us.”
― Wayne Gerard Trotman
